


The Most Fabulous Hair of Them All

by hoshigayki



Category: Naruto
Genre: Biting, Creampie, Deidara is a bitch, Double Anal Penetration, Double Penetration, God - Freeform, Hair, Hidan and Kakuzu have issues, Humiliation, I have issues, I'm Sorry, Nipple Play, Other, Overstimulation, Pein just wants to sleep, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sasori is a drama queen, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 09:43:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshigayki/pseuds/hoshigayki
Summary: Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara all think that they have the best hair. The only way to settle this is by having a contest and to have the remaining Akatsuki members decide who wins. However, the sore losers decide to make the winner sore as well...





	The Most Fabulous Hair of Them All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smoresies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoresies/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift to smoresies! She got me into kakuhidadei, so I knew I had to write a oneshot for her for her birthday. Hope the rest of you perverts out there enjoy!

        “I have the best hair, hon. Admit it,” Deidara chirped, sassily flipping his hair for Sasori to see. Sasori rolled his eyes. Deidara was going to incessantly bother him until he admitted that, yes, Deidara’s hair was the prettiest. The one argument he wouldn’t lose against the blond was how art is eternal. Deidara was clearly wrong in that sense!

 

        “Mhm,” Sasori rolled his eyes, hoping to get Deidara to shut up. A loud crash was heard from behind the puppet. Well, looks like he’ll get a headache either way.

 

        "Shut your stupid lying motherfucking mouth up! Clearly,  _ I _ have the best hair. Just look at it!” Sasori turned around to see a certain Jashinist with silver hair, absolutely fuming at Deidara. Sure, Hidan had decent hair, but was it really better than Deidara’s?

 

        “Actually, my long flowing locks would win the hair competition,” Sasori turned yet again to see a patchwork man with long black hair standing with his arms crossed.  _ Even Kakuzu is involved in this? _ Neither Hidan nor Deidara heard the taller man’s soft comment as they continued quarreling about their hair. 

 

        Sasori walked away as soon as Hidan noticed Kakuzu had joined the argument. He didn’t feel like losing his hearing today- he knows how Hidan can get when arguing with Kakuzu.  _ I’m above all this drama _ , Sasori thought as he hid under a table to watch the drama unfold. 

  
  


        Perhaps the only half-sane member of the Akatsuki, besides Konan, was Pein. His belief was further proved when he walked into the Akatsuki base’s living room, which had now been transformed into a battlefield. Pein almost had to use Shinra Tensei when Hidan aimed his scythe at Deidara, full intent to kill. 

 

        “Stop!” Pein shouted, causing his subordinates to freeze in their tracks. “This argument is completely senseless, but knowing all of you, it must be settled.” Pein sighed. “We’ll have a competition and decide who has the best hair once and for all. Then, all of you will shut up about it,” he finally decided, rubbing his temples. He was getting too old for this.

 

        After an hour and a half of the beauty pageant contestants getting dolled up, leaving poor Pein to all the technicalities, the Akatsuki Hair Contest had begun. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara were backstage, doing final minute preparations. Meanwhile, Pein was explaining to the other Akatsuki members how the competition was going to work. After each competitor had presented their hair, the judges, or remaining Akatsuki members, were to write their favorite on a piece of paper and place it in a box.

 

        “I’m totally gonna win, hon,” Deidara chided Hidan from backstage before strutting out. Hoots and hollers could be heard from the audience as Deidara shook his ass and flipped his hair. Deidara smirked on the way back. He knew he had this competition in the bag.

 

        Neither Kakuzu nor Hidan had the audience as excited as Deidara had, so they basically knew who was going to win even before Pein tallied the results. 

 

        “What did I tell you, hons? I have the best hair,” Deidara taunted the two older men, scowls erupting from their faces. He emphasized his victory even more by doing his trademark hair flip right in their faces.

 

        Perhaps Deidara would have retained a little more modesty if he knew what was to happen next. He felt two pairs of strong, firm arms effortlessly grab him and lift him up, carrying him away.

 

        “What are you doing?!” Deidara exclaimed, thrashing around in a rather sad attempt to escape Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu leaned in and pulled his mask down, revealing a smirk paired with an evil glint in his eyes.

 

        “Hidan and I are rather fond of pretty things, and if you think of yourself as so  _ pretty _ , well, who are we to deny that?” Kakuzu grinned upon seeing a look of fear cross Deidara’s features. 

 

        “I love breaking pretty things,” Hidan added, mirroring Kakuzu’s grin. 

 

        Deidara’s face blanched when the men reached a bedroom. He was thrown onto the dark red, silky sheets and immediately felt an immense weight on his chest. His eyes focused on the figure above him. Kakuzu. 

 

        “This isn’t funny hons, let me go,” Deidara put on a facade of confidence, but Hidan and Kakuzu saw right through it. A dark chuckle erupted from the bottom of Hidan’s gut before his hot tongue licked a stripe up Deidara’s neck, causing a hitched breath to escape his plush, red lips. 

 

        “Oh, we just want to make you feel as pretty as you say you are,” Kakuzu taunted. He pulled a kunai knife out of his pouch and cut Deidara’s shirt off in one smooth motion. A chill ran down Deidara’s spine, caused by a mixture of fear and sudden exposure of his skin to the cool room.

 

        “Keep him entertained as I work on his lower half.” Hidan nodded. Kakuzu moved off of Deidara, drifting lower than what Deidara would have wanted. But, he was too distracted by the sudden twinge of pain and pleasure in his nipples. The blond looked down to see Hidan’s mouth on one of his nipples and his hand pinching and twisting the other. A rough nibble ellicted a moan from the younger man.

 

        Just as Deidara was fully distracted from the nipple play, he felt his pants being removed, and a sandpapery hand roughly grasped his dick. This whole thing was much too intense for Deidara. 

 

        “S-stop,” Deidara groaned as the hand around his hardening cock tightened. Hidan looked up and threw him an amused glance before gleefully shaking his head and returning to what he was doing. 

 

        “You shouldn’t have insisted that your hair was the best. When we’re done with you, it’ll be so messy that it’s unrecognizable,” Hidan had a gleam in his eyes that sent chills down the blond’s spine. Another chill ran down Deidara’s spine, but out of pleasure, when Kakuzu wrapped a hand around and began massaging Deidara’s balls.

 

        Kakuzu had always been an impatient man, so it was no surprise that Deidara was completely naked after only a couple minutes. Deidara’s now fully-hard erection was exposed for Hidan and Kakuzu to see, causing them to call Deidara a variety of sexually degrading names. 

 

        “Slut,” Kakuzu smirked as Deidara jerked up at the sudden finger circling around his pink puckered entrance. He hoisted Deidara’s legs over his shoulder to expose him even more, at which Deidara moaned at him to stop.

 

        Deidara watched with half-lidded eyes as Hidan walked away and returned a few minutes later, holding a bottle of lube. The blond’s eyes widened as it truly sunk in what Kakuzu and Hidan were about to do to him. The Jashinist noticed Deidara’s expression change and grinned.

 

        “Don’t get the idea that the lube is for you. When Kakuzu and I fuck your ass, we don’t want to chafe. Couldn’t care less about you though.” Hidan walked back over and took his place next to Kakuzu, who lifted Deidara’s legs off of him and spread them more for Hidan. 

 

        Kakuzu snatched the bottle from Hidan and popped open the lid, squeezing a conservative amount onto his hand before slipping a digit in. Deidara’s back arched at the sudden intrusion. He wasn’t used to this at all. He sincerely hoped that the men would have some mercy and take it easy on him.

 

        “So excited already, you fucking slut?” Hidan husked, removing his pants. He began to slowly stroke his own erection, intently watching the show that Deidara was putting on. 

 

        Much quicker than Deidara would have wanted under normal circumstances, Kakuzu slipped his middle finger in and began scissoring the blond’s asshole. Deidara began to tell him to stop, but only a whimper was heard as he felt fingers brush up against a firm lump deep inside him.

 

        Kakuzu noticed this, and began aiming for Deidara’s prostate with every thrust his fingers made. Deidara splayed his hands across Kakuzu’s chest in an attempt to push the older man off, but he was too weakened with arousal to really pose a threat to Kakuzu. 

 

        After a few more minutes of stretching Deidara, Kakuzu pulled his fingers out. The blond didn’t like how he felt almost empty when Kakuzu stopped. He felt butterflies heavy in his stomach when he observed both Kakuzu and Hidan lubing up their dicks.

 

        Hidan pinned Deidara’s wrists behind his head as both he and Kakuzu got positioned next to each other at Deidara’s throbbing hole. It was rather tight, especially because of Kakuzu’s bulky stature, but they made it work.

 

        “D-don’t do this,” Deidara stuttered as Kakuzu began pushing into him. He already felt really tight, and Kakuzu wasn’t even all the way in yet, let alone Hidan. The older man grunted as he made it all the way inside Deidara’s ass and began thrusting; slowly at first, but gradually speeding up. 

 

        “No, p-please,” Deidara begged as he felt Hidan begin to force his way inside. He felt utterly overwhelmed with the sheer volume of the dicks inside him. A cry of both pain and arousal slipped from Deidara’s lips as Kakuzu’s cock made direct contact with his prostate. 

 

        Everything felt fuzzy once both men began thrusting. They expertly managed to slam into Deidara’s pea-sized organ each time, causing the blond’s eyes to roll back into his head and his thighs to begin quivering. Deidara painlessly felt liquid trail out of him and down his thighs, most likely painting them red with his own blood. 

 

        Hidan ran his sharp teeth down Deidara’s neck and bit down roughly near his pulse as fingers ghosted over the rest of his neck. Deidara bit back a moan as he felt the teeth clench and unclench, again and again, all over his neck.

 

        “Such soft skin,” Hidan cooed while mockingly caressing Deidara’s neck despite the abuse he was exposing it to. To Deidara’s relief, Hidan halted in his rough treatment to Deidara’s upper half and focused on his thrusts, slowly but surely becoming more erratic. 

 

        The sound of skin slapping skin filled the room as Deidara turned his head to the side, desperately trying to think of something,  _ anything _ , that would distract him from this situation that made him feel utterly useless. He let out a choked sob as he felt a now-familiar hand take a hold of his cock and clumsily stroke it in time with the thrusts. 

 

        Deidara babbled out various phrases as he felt waves of fire beginning to lap at his shoreline. He remembered crying out as he jerked up, stripes of creamy cum spurting out of his twitching cock. After his orgasm, he fell limp back onto the bed, expecting Hidan and Kakuzu to have stopped.

 

        They didn’t.

 

        The two men continued thrusting at brutal paces until they came, causing an uncomfortable amount of pressure to build up in Deidara’s ass. His entire body continued shivering from overstimulation as Hidan and Kakuzu carelessly pulled out. Both men looked immensely satisfied with themselves as they watched their cum, mixed together, pouring out of Deidara. 

 

        “Maybe next time you’ll think twice about bragging about your  _ precious _ hair,” Hidan sneered, roughly pulling on Deidara’s hair to make eye contact with the weakened man. Kakuzu zipped his pants back up, and Hidan put his pants back on. They left the room, leaving a still-shivering Deidara near tears lying in their bed.  

 

        Deidara stumbled out of the bed after an hour or so, wincing as he put pressure on his feet. His ass hurt. He limped towards the mirror and took a good look at himself. Hidan and Kakuzu were right. His hair really was ugly. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
